It Erases All Traces Of Your Life!

Hello, folks. This post could potentially damage my career, or not, depending on whether this thing even gets read at all. I have exactly 6 followers - that's more than one hand; woohoo! - but then again, I know quite a few people who stalk bloggers silently and invisibly. So.

Anti-Aging Products. Ladies, who wants to talk about their age? No? Honestly? Ma'am, you may look 30 but let's not kid ourselves. GETTING OLD IS WRONG! It is not enough to have healthy skin. Let's get real. Let's get immortalised, cryogenised, sanitised and Botoxised. Who knew you could look like a Photoshop image minus the toxins? Well Now You Can!

According to a recent advertorial (This Just In!) "The passing of time is every woman’s worst enemy." No shit, Sherlock. Ain't the passing of time every mortal's worst enemy? Do you wanna die? I don't. But the point is this: the ad ain't just telling you to make yourself happy by having fewer lines - if that rocks your boat, by all means. No, the ad is telling you that Aging Is Now Your Worst Enemy even if it wasn't five minutes before. Is that hammered into your pathetic geriatric skull yet? Good! Now we can sell you some creams.

A certain accomplished Asian celebrity has already been sold. Sold and bought. For copious amounts of money (hell, why not?) to spout lines that aren't hers about why W.A.W.: Wrinkles Are Wrong. She goes on to talk, in authentic-looking quote marks, about a miracle product or two that allows you ladies to be just as radiant if not as wealthy as her. Because wealth, fame, talent and a trim booty just ain't worth a crap without 20-year-old skin.

Here's some trivia. I found out about two years ago that it is perfectly legal to have brand ambassadors say whatever you want them to in printed materials (or situations where the actual ambassador is not present) without them ever having said it. "SHITE. You mean my dentist didn't really say those things about the toothbrush I've been using for five years?" Guess you'll have to ask him in person eh?

Of course, I shouldn't be saying this. I'm in bloody advertising. But here's what I do love about advertising: giving people ways to feel good. I enjoy getting into people's minds, finding out what they want, what they need from a brand. (Is it manipulative? Perhaps. Come on; if you hated it, you wouldn't buy it. Don't look at me that way.) What I don't enjoy is telling people that This is Wrong and This is Right. "What you thought of as annoying but natural is, in fact, Bollocks!"

But what's even sadder is that thousands of readers are gonna eat it up. If not consciously, then in the back of their minds that already worry about how they no longer look like they left school yesterday. Hmm. Not exactly a mood-lifter. But why lift your mood when you can lift your face?

A face unlined is a life unlived. And now there are products that will eliminate the evidence. To wipe out all traces of what I have been through is like a kick in the head. A facial concussion that denies you ever laughed, cried, made love, sang, smoked pot, baked in the sun, went crazy at a rock show, nicked your chin in a friendly fight.

What will it take to make a change? Well, if we can simultaneously and collectively ignore all calls to look younger and instead look great - two things that should not be confused - I think the world might actually tilt on its axis a little bit. Y'know, from the weight of women NOT reaching for the nearest miracle anti-aging cream. Or the card with Dr Botox's number on it.

Now at this point, some smart-ass will point out that for all my ideals, I just breached some serious ethics by speaking against brands that we are helping to endorse. But look; it's marketing. Marketing is about getting people to buy, think or react. Success depends on the reaction of the consumer. Am I committing a crime of contradiction? Or am I reacting as a consumer?

But heck. Who am I to talk, you ask! I turn 25 this November. By the time I reach my 40th November, I might be singing a different tune. But for now, here's something from Mark Twain - a dead guy who lived well.

"Life is short. Break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, laugh uncontrollably, and
never regret anything that makes you smile."



~ ~ ~

Scars are evidence that you have fought, and lived.
Serpent 5:11



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Phones With Attitude

How many of you have smartphones?

(Counts raised hands)

How many of you have smartphones that look like black oblong bars? (Or look like it fell off the Blackberry bush - even though it's a Nokia?)

Thought so.
Helping to market mobile products for the past few months have exposed me to a fairly wide range of the latest-&-greatest in phone tech. Except I keep having to look twice and thrice at the model name because - oh - most of 'em look the damn same.

In fact, without your custom skin, you could plonk your iPhone on a table with five other i-Oblongs and not be able to pick it out. (Try it.) Yet I know there ARE smartphones out there that are far from lazy when it comes to outstanding form factor. Now I'm not talking concept phones, but gadgets produced for the mass market, or at least are ready to hit the production line. And they don't cost half a million bucks either. (OK, maybe one or two do.) They are also usable and not so high-art that you can't send a simple text message with it.

With that in mind, I've cherry-picked 10 aesthetically daring beauties for your viewing pleasure. Strictly viewing, since most of 'em are locally unavailable...


10. The Outsider

Sure some of you may laugh at its retro outline. But look at that side profile! The sheer slenderness beats most of the fancy-schmancy models out there. Plus last I checked, black & orange makes a statement in almost any country (except countries that hunt tigers in long grass, in which case it might be a dangerous sort of statement).



9. The Chute

Yes, it desperately needs a less rubbishy name. On the other hand, a Freakin' Wood Phone. You wanna be avant-garde? You wanna be Nature's bff? Get on it. Your eco-bitch friends will be so jealous they'll regret blowing a chunk on their smugly be-sloganed Anya Hindmarch bags.

Besides, the lil icon on the back looks like sweet, sweet weed.



8. Casio Commando


Commando. Now that's a real man's name. And I'm saying that as a woman.

This smartphone is not so much beautiful as badass. It smacks of something the hero of a military action movie would whip out and bark commands into, likely ending with some gruff witticism that will be immortalised in IMDB's top Film Quotes. Plus it comes with Android tech! Hear that yuppies? Put down that emasculating, wafer-thin thing already.



7. Fender HTC


You can already hear the perfect twang of a well-tuned Stratocaster as you lay this on the table, while your Berry-toting colleagues very secretly admire this vintage-styled beauty and wish for a sliver of its caramel sexiness. Too bad; they've spent their bucks on what everyone else is already carrying. Coz they don't know rock 'n roll till they see it.



6. Blackberry Empathy


Wait, was I dissing Berries? Forget I said that. Occasionally they drop the standard oh-so-sleek lines for stuff like this. It looks...totally un-phone-like. And more like a piece of basalt carved straight from a post-volcanic bed, and polished for your pleasure baby. The only reason I'm not rating this higher is because of its slightly uncomfortable grip, and because your fingers might fall off if you try heavy-duty texting on those buttons.



5. Enever Bamboo



Literally. Bamboo. It's lighter and more durable than plastic, and has the bonus of ruling ass in the biodegradable sector (along with the earlier woodphone). Nice contemporary lines married with a touch of vintagey awesomeness. And the classy matte black just completes the package. It's a little thick - but thick only equals ugly when you're talking humans, IMHo.



4. Nokia x7


I have seen an epic space vehicle in this shape before. It might have been in Star Wars, I can't remember. The x7 certainly proves that sometimes, great design is in the details. It looks like a standard touchscreen phone in most aspects - except that it dares to break the boundaries of sleek modernist curves. Its reward: bold, angular chic that is outstanding without trying.



3. The Versace


That purple is so bright it's almost ridiculously awesome. Who would dare put out a dare-you-to-afford-it, luxury phone in that shade? Only Versace. (And maybe the late McQueen.) Plonk that on the table and instantly mark your diva territory. Mariah/J Lo 2.0 has arrived, y'all.

And look, it even comes in a more subtle and very sexy black:


Suggestive of opulently framed glass doors at the front, and quietly expensive embossed leather at the back. CLASSY.



3. The Lamborghini

Too bad the racer-boys I know couldn't afford this if they sold their modified cars and cycled to work for the next five years. If as a designer you're briefed to translate a dangerously sporty car into a pocket-sized phone without making it look like a rejected Transformer, this is how to do it. Look at that. I'm not even into cars (except for miniature ones which I used to collect)...and even my heart is racing.



1. Vertu Constellation Quest

It's a personification of the most well-paid, charismatic, Savile Row-wearing, cufflink-sporting boardroom shark you know ...on steroids.

You can already imagine this going with a dark crimson power tie and nicely buffed leather shoes. Forget golf on weekends; this person forgoes the typical "look at me I'm rich" trappings for something truly unusual and insanely expensive, like collecting yachts and buying a harbour in which to display them.

'Constellation Quest' may sound like a braggadacious mouthful. But not if you've got the money to back it up, baby.


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The devil is in the details. And without details, the world would be a terribly dull place.
Serpent 5:45



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